Today’s Chapter of the Cancer Diaries is a very emotional breakdown of my family’s story with cancer. The following paragraphs are solely from the perspective of my mom, Tina, during her process of being diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer. If this is your first time reading “The Cancer Diaries”, I recommend that you check out the first three chapter before reading this one, because they are more detailed and have educational resources to help you better understand the severity of her situation. It is really brave of my mom to share these deep things with me, and especially with you. The following paragraphs, spoken by my momma, were shared with tears, but also with the prayer that something in this part of her story speaks to you today:

“When we, as people and children of God, have done everything we can possibly do to change the outcome of a situation and there is nothing left for us to do, then we know whose hands the situation is in and whose hands the situation has been in all along.  It is in the moments where we are the weakest, that we know His strength, and we lean on that and depend on that. 

I knew something was really wrong from the second day that the lump had come to the surface, but I knew the situation was not in my hands.  I had a sense of urgency, so I called my husband, John.  I told him that I needed to get in to see my doctor the second that my daughter, Brooke, and I got back from our trip.  Because I barely had service, John made the doctor’s appointment for me, and it was a miracle in itself that I got in to see my doctor as soon as I did. 

Even though I knew something was wrong, I just wanted to enjoy what God had to share with us during our time at the camp Brooke was working and worshipping at.  I wanted to enjoy each moment, enjoy the time I had with the people around me, and share the Word of God without being distracted.  When I got back and had a mammogram done and was told that everything was fine, I still knew that something was wrong.  God just pressed on me not to give in and not to accept what I wanted to hear.  That is why I asked so many times how I could know for sure whether or not I had cancer.  I could not back down and accept the simple and pretty answer.  I told John and Brooke that I was pretty sure that I had cancer, and I tried to prepare them for what was coming.  When we went into the next doctor’s appointment, the doctor asked if she could speak openly, and we were ok with that.  As a family, we have shared everything, went through everything, and been there together through it all. When the doctor said that she thought that I had cancer,  she told us she would do a biopsy to confirm.  Deep down, I did not need that confirmation because I already knew, but I went through with it anyways.

It is a strange feeling to be told that you have Stage 3 Breast Cancer.  As someone that has lived life, seen things, and been through a lot, I knew what cancer meant, and I knew that there may not be a tomorrow for me.  It is hard to know when death is coming.  Everyone knows it is coming, but most people don’t know beforehand.  It is a very different feeling to know that death could be coming so soon, and I understood that.  I wasn’t angry at God.  I didn’t blame God.  I didn’t question God ‘Why?’ or ask ‘Why me?’.  I have been saved.  I trust God, and I love God.  I knew regardless of whatever the outcome would be that I was going to be ok.  

The hardest part for me, was the thoughts of having to leave behind my family and the people that depended on me and needed me.  I did not want to miss out on the special moments.  Brooke was about to enter her junior year of high school, and all I ever wanted was to see her graduate.  I did not want to miss her last dance recitals, her senior violin recital, or her senior awards at school.  I did not want to miss her first days of college or first days of her career.  I did not want to miss out on adventures, plans, and dreams with my husband.  At the time, I was also taking care of my mom and dad, who lived across the street from us. My mom had Alzheimer’s and needed a lot of daily attention, and my dad also needed help from time to time, too.  The hardest part was knowing that I might have to leave them all, without having a choice.

I believe in the power of prayer.  I have a relationship with God, and we talk.  Sometimes you ask and you know the answer is yes, no, or wait.  Prayer was very important to me, and of course we began to pray, because after my diagnosis, we had decisions to make very quickly about what options of treatments and surgeries we would do.  We prayed for protection, healing, and strength.  Not only did we pray, but our friends, family, and community prayed, and it was overwhelming how many people were praying for me and for us.  It meant so much more than I can say, and I could never say thank you enough.  It gave me strength to know that there were people stepping in and requesting for God to bring healing to me, and I just trusted Him totally.  I chose not to listen to anything or anyone who tried to tell me that God could not do this for me.  I kept my eyes on Him and tuned out all the noise, except for His one true voice.  Being in that situation was so unique because I had no other choice but to lay it all down and give it to Him.  When prayers are answered, you know that it was God without a doubt. I had to keep my eyes above the waves in order to walk on water.” – Tina Way